Because some things...

You just don't forget.

Although I tried telling myself to forget. And I thought I did. I thought I could. I thought I've succeeded. But no, its still there. The gaping wound. I've only just covered the wound with other things so that its out of my sight, that I've forgotten that - its still there.

And so I ran.

Because I don't want to be reminded of the wound. I don't want to be reminded of the days when my world was crumbling. When the persons whom I trusted most bore the knife into my heart and twisted it. When everything that I had was on the brink of disappearing. When every option that was available to me, every step that I was about to take, seems like the fucking wrong choice. When I had no one to turn to for advices. When I didn't even dare to tell anyone cos saying it out loud somehow makes it more real, and leaves me with no room for self-deception. When what I feared, what I'd tried to avoid and told myself to think otherwise, was slowly taking shape and turning into a fucking reality.

I don't have the courage to face anything. I don't have the courage to look at the wound and feel the pain. I don't have the courage to face the cause of the wound.

That's how I deal with problems. Run. And pray it goes away. And it worked for me for the past 20 odd years. But this time, it doesn't. Cos there's just too many small wounds added up. I laughed it off, I told myself its nothing. I ignored the heart wrench. Because it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense that people I love can hurt me so. It doesn't make sense that they don't give a damn to my feelings, because I would have. That they failed to think in my position. Selfish - is that the word?

And yes, the wound is still as raw and fresh.
Cos I can't forgive and forget like I thought I could.

Someone told me the most important thing in a relationship is trust.
Sorry, you've broken my trust.

And its never going to be mended.

Cos I never want to be hurt that way again.